So, what are YOU Peckers doing to ring in the new decade? Stocking up on water and duct tape like ten years ago? Cuz you should. Glenn Beck told me 2010 will be the year the commiefascionazipussies will steal all the Freedom from the Thought Policing Christian Plumbers Association of Normal Folks You Betcha in a week-kneed fashion!

Some of the landmark events of the aughts (thanks to: www.chron.com):

The welcome wagon.

In 2006, some Texas ranchers near Falfurrias installed ladders on their properties to allow illegal immigrants to climb over their fences. Why? The trespassers had been cutting holes in the fences -- allowing cattle to escape.

Darwin Award nominee.

A man chasing a partially consumed can of beer across a Houston freeway in 2002 was hit by a pickup. He never got the beer, but he got an ambulance ride to a hospital.

It ain't the Olympics.

The 2004 international Olympic Games were in Athens, Greece, but Athens, Texas, hosted the "Redneck Games" in 2007. Among the events: a toilet-seat toss and a spam-and-jalapeño eating contest.

You can have my car but not my Bible.

The Texas Legislature passed a law in 2007 guaranteeing that no Texan's Bible could be seized "for the satisfaction of debts."

Jesus and Virgin Mary sightings.

Texans have reported seeing the Virgin Mary's image in a bird dropping on a pickup's side mirror in Bryan and in a drycleaning company's press in Harlingen. There was a Jesus-shaped piece of Cheetos reported in Dallas and images of Jesus in a Houston pizza pan, the bark of a Crystal City tree and the freezer of a Morton grocery store.

Unintended symbolism.

Two weeks before the 2008 Texas presidential primary, GOP candidate Mike Huckabee scheduled a campaign appearance at the Alamo, declaring, "This time, the Alamo story may turn out differently." Two weeks later, his campaign was dead.

Also, I don't know if you know this, but this one dude died after his horse made sweet love to him.

Don't die tonight!

--Christian Huey

BTW (PS.): You can follow us on Twitter, and enfriendinate us on Assbook.

The CFR Bailout begins! Love listening to Chicken Fried Radio for free, but feel a gnawing guilt about not paying to hear it that produces a cold froth fulminating inside your bowels? Shut up! You do too, and you've also heard that new episodes of CFR in 2010 will be available RAW and UNCUT for a nominal fee on iTunes before we distill and bottle them for mass consumption.

Speaking of fulminating bowels, here's some raw Chicken from the Vaults of Yesteryear. It's the unedited studio recording of Epsidode 40: "I Bought My Socks at Target" from way back in 2006. It's got 18 extra minutes of fat and gristle. Oh, and this one's on the house... er, coop.
Er... shut up again.

--Christian Huey, Jackass, Esq.

2009.12.14
In honor of International Monkey Day, this one's for you, Peckers; from the Ryan-ripoff site Monkeys In the News:


In other news, your pal Christian is playing a goddamn shepherd in a living nativity in Driftwood. This X-massy cheery stuff is polluting my cynical heart.

Today's fix comes in the form of a song (with pictures) I recorded last week with my synth/drum machine combo I encraigslistenated for less than two hundred bucks. It's called "Dried."

See y'all soon,
Christian "Jackass" Huey

PS. Don't forget we're on Assbook.

2009.12.08
That posthumous terrorist Lennon has made it so that you have to wear headphones and STFU in a certain section of Central Park today! Gah!

In other news, I briefly worked at this non-profit where they stuck me in a warehouse with computer parts and bubblewrap with this creepy guy who calls himself Draco and writes sci-fi novels he keeps under his mattress at his mom's house. Did I mention this warehouse is right next to railroad tracks? Did I mention my immediate supervisor was an Aryan Teutonic Ubermensch with nice hair?

CFR will be back, folks. That's a promise AND a threat. I can't keep stories like this to myself. My therapist said so.

PS. I made a song that John Lennon would've hated. It's called "Snow Inside," and I made it in, like 12 seconds.

Out!
--Christian "Jackass" Huey

I took it upon myself to update this. Folks, Christian here. T.E., Ryan, and Abbie have other things to do with their busy, busy selves. Although CFR may be on "extended hiatus," you Peckers were my very reason for existing. Yes, you heard me right; I'm dead now.

That is, my body has become obsolete, and I exist now as a purely video image. Ladies and gents a gift: Crackhead Cosby (played by me) for the nascent TV show/vidcast Austin Rodeo Show.

Also, even though the CFR board may be down and out, our Facebook page thrives. And, of course, there's Austin Rodeo Show.

We should get together again sometime.

--Christian Huey, Jackass.
2009.11.22

NURSE: Doctor! Doctor! The patient! It's... it's... MOVING!

DOCTOR: Nurse, don't waste my time. The patient's been unresponsive for months. Some of us think it's not even alive any more.

NURSE: No, really! I think it's waking up!

DOCTOR: Don't be ridicul-

CFR: Arrrghgggllle... bleeeeaaaaaarrrrrghhh... gaaaaaaaaaah!

DOCTOR: Sweet mother of god! It's alive! IT'S ALIVE!

NURSE: Oh, look! Is it trying to... stand up? Oh, I'm going to help it.

DOCTOR: Nurse, don't! Stand back! Don't get too-

NURSE: AHHHHH! AHHHHH! IT HAS MY ARM! IT HAS MY- AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

CFR: Nom nom nom.

DOCTOR: Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick! Somebody help! SOMEBODY HELP! ITS... IT'S EATING HER FACE!

CFR: Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiit's Chicken Fried Radio!

This episode is as long as it is and there may or may not be a song at the end. Welcome back. Now suck it.

It's the -Potpourri of Poop- episode, and at a whopping hour and a half, this ill-conceived audio extravaganza will block your colon like a block of finely aged government cheese. It rambles, veers off on wild tangents, and provides a rare T.E./Ryan role reversal of truth. Enjoy it while you can, sickos.

It's the -Put THIS In Your Mouth Episode- episode! Yes friends, CFR is back... kind of like that case of herpes that flares up when you least expect it!

This episode is all about food, glorious food! It's a double episode, each in HALF the time of a normal length episode! It contains something for everybody, including the scat man as we revisit the most notorious video of 2008 a year late. All this and more on a Very Special CFR.

This one clocks in at 1 hour and 3 minutes. The song at the end is -Worm Food- by Ruth Theodore.

After a long unannounced hiatus, during which the US elected a president and our entire financial system melted down into a puddle of FAIL, CFR returns with the -I F***ed Your Sister in the A** Episode- episode! Yes, we left Ryan in charge of naming this one. It's all about manly men and men things and ball scratching and explosions and testosteroni. And penis snatchers.

The opus runs about 72 minutes. The song at the end is -A Skit that Christian Forgot to Bring to the Recording- by, um, Christian.